Since I first laid my poor eyes on them, I have absolutely hated Crocs.

I know I’m not alone in my pain and I also know there are millions of People-Who-Are-Not-Like-Me who actually buy and wear them.  My clients are not allowed to wear them. That would reflect badly on me.

I have ranted, I have raved, raged and screamed. Clicked my tongue in disgust. Given the beady eyeball. Fantasised about flash-mobs in which Croc-wearers are bombarded by all manner of cooking ingredients or spray paint.

But I thought I was over it. I have not really noticed them lately. Perhaps as a form of self-protection, denial had kicked in and I’d just refused to see them actually happening.

But on Sunday, the rage overcame me again and ruined my perfect day. I’d been peacefully sitting, enjoying the serenity of a lunch on a beautiful day with gorgeous, hilarious company when these foul things stomped all over my happiness:

Is this an attempt to make the ugly Croc cuter? Are we now going to see ugly renditions of other shoe styles moulded into sickly fluorescent plastic clogs with holes in them?

Oh I don’t know how much longer I can take it!!!

By Karn Knutson

There’s an -ology for everything, but what about the most important -ology of all: Shoeology? Read on to find out what your work shoes reveal about your personality!

 Strappy Red Satin

At the office, this is a dead giveaway—you want to be anywhere but where you are. Preferably with some tall, dark, handsome man or with friends that make you laugh so hard you snort. You know you’re smarter than your boss and so does your boss’s boss. When you walk into a meeting with “The Boys,” you take full advantage of being able to keep them off balance, straddling the line between attraction and fear.

Boot Seasoned

You can’t wait for the temperature to drop or the night air to have a chill. You watch the Weather Channel in summer in hopes of a freak cold snap. You love the sound the zipper makes as it crawls up your calf. To you, these boots are sexier than any teetering toe strap and pencil thin heel, especially since you can actually walk in them. Correction—you can stride in them. Confidence is so sexy, especially in a boot.

Preppy Spoken Here

“I am Ivy League. I’ve had boyfriends named Biff, Cliff, and Chet. My sport of choice is brunching at the club. I have had at least one postgraduate degree, earned because I felt I hadn’t devoted enough time to that area during my double major undergrad. When I decide to have children, they will be scheduled—from conception to delivery and all the activities from than point forward. My sense of humour is so dry, on the rare occasion I laugh, I become parched. Please pass the imported sparkling mineral water, crystal glass, crushed with ice and a twist of lime. Not a slice, a twist.”

Faithfully Dull

Far from bewitching, these are the shoes found in offices everywhere. They are the loyal companions of the pantsuit, from the smallest cubicle to the snobbiest of boardrooms. You don’t particularly like being average height, so you found the perfect solution: The shoe version of white noise—always there, serving the purpose of adding three inches, but going mostly unnoticed. Stand tall, little lady—everyone else thinks you are.

 The Pain Inflictor

Their piercing presence instills fear in the hearts of men everywhere. They may have their power ties, but you know what really takes command of a room—a wickedly pointed toe flowing down from an equally sharp heel. It gives you a little adrenaline rush every time you glance down and see that point jutting forth from beneath your perfectly tailored trouser. Look out world, look out boys! It’s irrelevant that your toes want to file for divorce every time you slide these killers on, because you wouldn’t trade them for the world. After all, ruling the world is your goal and these are the shoes you’ll be wearing when you conquer it.

Whatever your work shoes reveal about you, take Karn’s advice: “Live a big life. And wear cute shoes.”

Fancy Footwork

What message do inappropriate shoes convey in a work environment?

Find out about surprising footwear faux pas which you may not have considered,

by watching Karen Loxton from Famous Fox

on CNBC Africa

DSTV Channel 290

Tuesday 9 October at 6:45 am

Morning Business Edition

“Appropriate footwear for the office”

with Peter Ndoro and Leigh Roberts